Parents who learn alongside their children often share their enthusiasm as well. (LightField Studios/Shutterstock)

Being present and engaged with our children in everyday life is difficult. Our attention is being pulled in a thousand directions! Especially in the modern digital age, parents face more distractions and more demands on our limited time than ever before. It’s enough for parents to feel like throwing up our hands and giving up.

This is the last thing we should do, of course, because our children are the ones on the line. They desperately need us, for they are navigating the same overwhelming world that we are.

One of parents’ constant struggles is trying to be there for our children while also meeting our own needs. It’s so easy to think, “if only I had some time alone … ” We think that we must have time away from our children in order to make space for whatever it is we currently need or want. But this hinges on the presumption that the only choice is to separate our little ones from us somehow.

What if the solution isn’t found in separation? Instead of asking when we can take a break from our children, we can instead ask a very simple question: How can we do this together?

This reframes our mindsets into thinking as “we,” rather than “me.” Our children are part of our families. When we start treating them this way, we really begin to embrace being present in family life.

In my opinion, we can do this by learning one oft-overlooked but pivotal parenting skill: meeting our own needs while our children are with us.

Exhaustion, resentment, and burnout are inevitable for parents who aren’t meeting their own needs. Society says the answer is day care and public school – or worse, not having kids at all. But the real answer is learning to care for ourselves at the same time as we care for our children.

Very few of us are taught how to do this, and it really is a learned skill. Historically, humankind has simply grown up this way, not having access to day care, babysitters, or paid help. Parents led family-centric lives where children were merely with them. all day long. We can do the same!

Both my husband and I were blessed to learn this skill growing up, and we credit our parents for their wisdom. I know not everyone knows what this lifestyle looks like, especially if they grew up with broken families or single parents. So for the sake of illustration, let’s take a peek at my little family’s routines. We start with the simplest things, like brushing our teeth together and eating meals at the same time. Then, like every mother, I have laundry to do and floors to clean. So I wear my newborn in a snuggly while the toddler hands me dirty socks for the washing machine. Not only do we spend a lot of time together this way, but by example and practice, we are also training our children how to parent this way. For instance, when my first son and I cleaned the floors together, he got to hold the dustpan or the vacuum cord. Now, at four, he is able to vacuum the floor independently, and his little brother now holds the vacuum cord. This natural handing down of little tasks (even the totally unnecessary task of holding a vacuum cord) promotes family togetherness.

This is how we can become present parents. It isn’t some magic trick or secret key – it is simply learning to live life right next to the little people we have. Day in, day out, we do the usual things together as a family unit. And it doesn’t need to stop there. We can bring this practice into things like recreation, relaxation, and rest. When I need a day out of the house, I bring my three boys to explore favorite haunts, like the library or local bike trails. My husband never misses a workout and carries a toddler in a hiking backpack while he lifts weights. A mother I once knew did spa evenings with her little girls, complete with nail polish and face masks. I know many fathers who take their kids deer hunting or fishing.

All these things meet our own needs alongside the needs of our children, and this is how we become present parents. It doesn’t matter what we are doing, we just need to be doing it with our kids. They don’t need more toys or more sports or another movie. They just need us.

There are a few extremely simple ways we can start being more present with our children:

1. Make eye contact with our kids. When our child calls for us, we should respond with both a verbal response as well as our attention. Our children are impacted more by our actions than our words; show them your presence by making eye contact when they are speaking to you. They notice.

2. Stay in the same room, even if you’re doing different activities. Parallel play is a phase in child development wherein little ones play separately without actually interacting. Yet it offers children the chance to observe, learn, and become comfortable with other children. We can recreate this phase in our families for the same benefits. Think about it: How often do we remain in the room while our children play? Do we regularly rush off to do something else “while they are busy?” Or, could we accomplish some of our own tasks while children play right next to us? We don’t constantly need to be interacting in order to be present. We simply need to be there. We might be surprised how much family time we have through a habit of “parallel playing” next to our kids.

3. Schedule family fun. Especially with busy careers and multiple kids, family fun can be brushed to the wayside far too easily. Pick a regular time—perhaps once a month to start with—and schedule a fun family activity. My sister likes to take her family to the children’s museum. Another sister likes to do family hikes every week. I do regular family read-alouds. Whether we stick to a tried-and-true routine or explore something new each time, the point is to write it in the calendar and protect that time as if it were sacred. Our children need it far more than we could guess.

4. Cut screen time. I have written multiple articles about screen addiction and the importance of carefully analyzing our own technology use. Screens are easily the biggest hazard for many parents, so we need to be self-disciplined and vigilant. Foiling this main distraction will free us to refocus on what most matters.

It seems such a simple idea, being together with our kids. But it requires change and self-sacrifice. Are we up for the challenge?

I hope so. Our children are counting on us.

Written by Cadence McManimon for Intellectual Takeout – January 2, 2025